They couldn't hear me in space but they heard me loud & clear on 86th street.

The sad news of the death of H.R. Giger led me to reminiscing about the day my dad & I ventured off into Manhattan (86th street to be exact), to watch what was then an unknown entity to all of us. That entity was a film called simply "ALIEN" and the titular creature was designed by the late Mr. Giger, but more about him later.

I vividly remember waiting to see this film for months. The trailers & posters had been around for a long time and they all basically told us...nothing. The director of the film (Ridley Scott) was a master of style but wasn't a very well known director at the time. The cast members was a who's who of relatively recognizable character actors (Tom Skeritt, John Hurt, Veronica Cartright, Ian Holm, Harry Dean Stanton, Yaphet Kotto, and one newcomer (Sigourney Weaver). The plot was pretty much a mystery as was the meaning of the title. I mean to say that while everyone knew that there was some type of creature to be found here, no one knew what it was gonna look like. All we got was a shot of that lumpy grey egg with a eerie green light emanating from a crack running across it. Well, we got that and the (classic) tagline: "In space, no one can hear you scream".

One of the best casts ever assembled for a sci-fi/horror film.

I wore my excitement on my sleeve as we queued up to buy our tickets. As a lifelong monster movie fan, this was the kind of film that got my blood racing. Back in 1979, multiplexes weren't in existence so people had to line up outside of the theatre well in advance of the film's scheduled show time if they wanted to see it early in the day. And since 20th Century Fox was pushing this as one of their prestige films of the year, the line was very long indeed. Everybody wanted to know what comes out of the damned eerie egg.

And not long after being seated, we all found out...

The theater fell silent as the film began. There was no sound at all coming from the screen as we watched that long opening shot depicting the vastness of space. And the odd shapes that began to form the title of the film was something I'd never witnessed before, I felt like I was watching a foreign film for a few seconds. Then we witnessed the space freighter Nostromo slowly cruises across the screen in all of its grungy glory. This was no sleek starship, it wasn't built for speed. It didn't have a phalanx of weaponry adorning it either so it wasn't built for battle. In essence, the Nostromo was just an intergalactic garbage scow.

The Nostromo in all it's greasy glory.

Scott's camera then floated across the interior of the Nostromo, giving the audience a view of the inner workings of the massive vehicle. Lights are silently flashing as we're given a quick tour before the camera stops on a monitor that suddenly comes to life, like a really expensive alarm clock. Then we're taken to the stasis chambers where the crew members have been hibernating for god knows how long. They slowly rise out of their pods, one at a time, before they wash up & prepare for their first real meal in a long time.

Mind you, this was like nothing I'd ever seen in a film before. The visuals were so pervasively convincing that I was convinced that all of this was quite real. Production designer Michael Seymour had performed a miracle by making the Nostromo look both futuristic and retro at the same time, it had a lived in feel to it, as if the crew had been there for a long time and had settled into a mendacity that mirrored their actual lives on earth. It was clean but dirty, sleek but slimy, shiny but dull - all at the same time. It's still a marvelously designed series of sets that's still being co-opted in films to this day.

Various interiors of The Nostromo

But all of the best production designers in the world wouldn't have made much of a difference if there wasn't

a good script propelling the visuals along. Luckily, Scott had an amazingly taut & terrifying script written by Dan O'Bannon to nudge it all along. At times the script feels extremely derivative of Jerome Bixby's script for "It! The Terror From Beyond Space" (1958) but O'Bannon's script stands leagues above that (Admittedly) exciting story by adding a generous dollop of characterization & heaping dollops of violence. Unexpected violence.

I recall the audience just sitting there in rapt attention as the film proceeded. I know everyone was feeling the same way I felt, we were all amazed and nervous at the same time. The film begins so slowly & deliberately that it was a foregone conclusion the shit was gonna hit the fan eventually. The question was when...and how? Not too long afterwards, we all found out. "Alien" transitioned from a intergalactic potboiler into a terrifying horror film unlike anything I'd ever seen up to that point in my life. I was under the impression that a lifetime of watching films like this would lend me a sense of confidence so great that I would be able to handle whatever was gonna get thrown at me, but I was wrong. Dead wrong.

I'm not gonna get into the particulars of what happened next (If you haven't seen ALIEN by now then you really need to stop reading this and get busy watching it). But what you're looking at above is one of the most oft copied scenes in cinematic history and although it isn't the first view of the alien we see, it's the far more visceral one. It's been said that none of the cast members (Save for Hurt) knew what was actually going to transpire in this scene, so the looks of terror and shock on their face when the chestburster made its appearance were genuine. The shrieks from the audience (& from me) were just as genuine. It's a scene unmatched either before or since in its power to shock whomever's watching it into a state of apoplectic shock. What makes it all the more terrifying is the idea behind it, the idea that something was growing in this poor man's chest, waiting for the right moment to burst forth into a world that it has total dominance over (Although it doesn't know that just yet).

Needless to say that I was just gob smacked at what I was witnessing. I remember covering my face with my hands, with just the tiniest sliver of space between my fingers giving my eyes a slightly distorted view of what was happening with the film. My dad, macho prick that he fancied himself to be, pried my fingers from my face and quietly complained that he "Didn't pay for me to not watch the movie". Didn't matter much to me, I put my fingers back up to my face. Complain all you like - I was fucking terrified & didn't care who knew it.

See that image above? That's an example of H.R. Giger's art for the film. Look at the pics at the beginning of this post and tell me if you guys don't think that the design of the alien is just all kinds of sexy. That's right, I said SEXY. There had never been a creature that looked anything close to this ever before (Although sadly, there were dozens of copycats forthcoming). It's a sleek, sensuous, alluring & deadly creation that fascinates us with its mystery as it eviscerates us with its claws. There's no denying the impact Giger's creature design had on sci-fi/horror films in general, after decades of uninspired creatures on parade in genre films, Giger had quietly & without warning, given us one of the most iconic characters of all time. And I daresay that his genius served to inspire others to think forward and design fabulous new creatures to inspire nightmares in al of us. Do you really think Winston's Predator or the various forms that Bottin's Thing took would have existed without Giger's Alien? I find that doubtful. Giger inspired the industry and it's birth led to the creation of many inspired creations.

I've since seen ALIEN & it's 4 sequels dozens of times each and while I find myself leaning towards Fincher's ALIEN 3 as the best film in the series (Despite its myriad naysayers), it's ALIEN that remains the scariest in the ALIEN canon for me. It reminds me of what a shark attack must be like: A shark, silently cruising towards its prey, waiting for just the right moment to suddenly and ferociously strike with reckless abandon. Sinking its razor sharp teeth into smooth, giving flesh - rending said flesh asunder in seconds. The attack is seemingly over before it really began but the damage is done as frothy red blood stains the sea water, bits & pieces of flesh mingling with it. And then the shark is gone, and the eerie silence returns - just like Giger's Alien. I get chills just thinking about it.

Don't you?

A psyche forever scarred...

December 24th, 1973 was a truly eventful day for me yet I had no idea why until February, 1974. Although I really don't remember the exact date I do remember it was in February of 74' when my father and I took our usual weekly jaunt to the local bijou (The Loew's American. Just off of 149th st in the Bronx). This was a trip we took twice weekly as back in those days theaters would have new double (even triple) features twice weekly, on Tuesdays & Fridays. My dad and I spent a lot of good times in the late 60's and first half of the 70's going to the movies, we would walk a few blocks twice weekly and generally see whatever was playing at either the American or The Bronx Theater (Which was a block away). It's safe to say that I saw way too many movies filled with monsters, bodies caked in blood, drug use, prostitutes and their pimps, car chases, car wrecks, foul language, Godzilla and the gang and naked women....lots and lots of naked women that were doing unspeakable things to their bodies with men and with other women too. I can truthfully say I've seen it all regarding exploitation films, the good, the bad and all of the ones in between. My dad was cool that way I guess. He didn't mind what was on the screen as long as he knew that I knew it was all fake, just a bunch of actors pretending to do all sorts of things to each other while battling monsters or doing drugs, driving cars really fast, etc...etc. So I was always sitting next to him, happily chewing on some popcorn & sipping a soft drink as we both reveled in whatever ridiculousness was playing on the big screen in front of us. I was sitting in theaters alongside my dad from the age of five and whatever was being featured on the marquee was what we watched. I love my dad for giving me the love of film that I have today (He gave me Type 2 Diabetes as well but that's for another column...).

So what was I to think when on that fateful day in February of 74' we took our usual walk to the theater to see the latest flick? I distinctly remember my dad being excited because a film called "The Exorcist" was playing and it was supposed to be the scariest film ever produced. Now I was but a youngster at the time (10 years old) but I had already seen dozens of movies that made the same claim. Some were actually pretty scary and I can remember one time in particular when Hammer's "Dracula Has Risen From The Grave"(1968) had frightened me so badly that I cried and begged my father to take me home. But I was only 5 years old then, I was five years older now and had seen a lot of so called "Scary Movies" since then. What horrors could a film with a title I didn't even understand possibly hold for me? Little did I know.....

We got to the theater a bit late on that fateful day and actually missed quite a bit of the opening third of the film. We might have gotten in a bit earlier but my dad was aghast at the exorbitant $3.00 ticket price. My ticket was $2.00 and the thought of paying $5.00 for two movie tickets was just unheard of (It usually cost $1.75 for him and $1.25 for me), but theater management knew they had themselves a cash cow with this movie so they raised their prices for this "Exclusive" run. After a good 20 minutes of complaining to whomever would listen to him my dad finally paid for two tickets and we bought our popcorn & soda as usual as we entered the theater. I can still smell the aroma of the popcorn if I think about it to this day. Remember...there were no multiplexes back then, just one big 400 seat auditorium and a 100 seat balcony looming above it. The concession stand was just outside of the auditorium doors and the smell of hot dogs and popcorn would continuously waft throughout the aisles for the duration of the show. I'd always insist on a box of Jordan Almonds to go along with my popcorn as well, those candy covered nuts made me so fucking happy back then. Anyways....we found that there were no seats available in the main auditorium, all of them were taken. This was a peculiar phenomenon to me as I'd never seen every seat occupied before on our weekly movie trips. So we headed to the balcony, where we had never had to go before. I remember the cheap red carpeting on the stairs leading to the upper level and the screams that had begun to echo both up & down the stairway as we ascended upward. I had never been to a movie where the audience had such a visceral reaction. What on earth could have been happening on screen to garner such cacophonous screeching from the audience? Sadly, I was about to find out.

Do you see the picture above? My dad and I settled into our seats mere seconds before this scene came on. I had no idea what "The Exorcist" was about, no concept of what was about to transpire in front of my eyes but I had seen it all already, hadn't I? Surely a little girl with a potty mouth couldn't be that scary...could she? Do you see the crucifix in her right hand? Do you remember what she did to herself with that same crucifix? I could not believe the shitstorm unfolding before my eyes as we had just sat down. This little girl was violating herself with that crucifix so hard that she bled all over the place, yet she was enjoying it. She was enjoying the act of violently fucking herself with that crucifix as she cursed like I had never heard a little girl curse before. And when her mother came into her room, facing her daughter's back...her daughter's head spun around to greet her as if it was on a turntable. Her face was horribly scarred and bleeding. Her crotch was soaked in blood. The audience laughed and screamed with fear & delight.

I began to lose my mind.

There was no way that what I saw happening on the screen in front of me was happening. There was a sense of sheer and utter terror that immediately took me over and refused to let me go. My mind just acquiesced to what my eyes were witnessing without a fight. There was no time to prepare myself for the onslaught unspooling itself before my eyes. This little girl was doing something unspeakable to herself and I had no idea why the audience was enjoying it so much. And it just got worse from there as she started manipulating her furniture across her room in an attempt to kill her mother. There was nothing enjoyable or entertaining happening in this theater as far as I was concerned. So as I actually felt my mind oozing out of my ears I did the one thing I knew I could do to shield my eyes from this new kind of cinematic terror...I put my hands up in front of them and prayed that it would be safe to open them up again in a few minutes. But my dad wasn't having any of this, he had just paid the princely sum of 5 dollars to get us in this theater and he was gonna make sure we got his money's worth. He pulled my hands down from off of my eyes and forced them open s he yelled at me to "Be a man!", "It's just a movie!", "Stop crying and watch!". That's right...I was crying uncontrollably after what felt like the most horrible three minutes of film that I'd ever had to sit through. And it had only just begun...

When it was all over and I begged to leave the theater my dad refused. After all we had missed the first 20-30 minutes or so...we had to see how it all began didn't we? Back then you could sit in a theater all day after paying for a ticket and watch movies all day/night long if you so desired. I was too weak from crying and praying for god to rescue me from the horror to fight him so I had to sit and watch along with him and hundreds of new viewers who screamed and laughed even louder than the ones who had gotten up and left me there to suffer alongside my father. And yeah, we sat through it again....

As we finally left the theater and headed home, my dad berated me for being so scared at what was just a "movie". Something that could never happen in real life. I was being "Silly" and "A little girl" for reacting the way I did and I "embarrassed" him. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't but I was too horrified to care. "The Exorcist" took a piece of me with it as the end credits rolled over Mike Oldman's "Tubular Bells", a theme that will never do any less than chill my blood whenever I hear it. I like to say it scarred my psyche. It made me feel helpless as I was forced to watch it. I felt doomed.

When we arrived home I immediately ran crying to my mother for support. She was suitably upset at what my father had forced me to sit through but he just shrugged his shoulders. "He'll get over it in a few hours" was his reply.

I didn't get over it.

For nearly 8 months afterwards I had trouble going to sleep. Every time I closed my eyes I saw her, the little possessed girl (Played by Linda Blair. The character's name was Ragan). And when I finally fell into what was a restless sleep her face was all I ever saw in my dreams. Her horribly scarred face, bleeding from multiple lacerations was always inches in front of mine while I slept. And she was talking to me, telling me that she hated me and wanted to kill me. She screamed and cursed at me and when I tried to run she would follow. When I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs in fright my mother would run into my room to soothe me back to sleep but I couldn't go back to sleep. Ragan was waiting for me in my dreams so I stayed awake. That's when my imagination started running wild...

I saw her head popping up at the foot of my bed nightly. It was glowing green and she was always laughing and promising to take good care of me when "My time came". What did that mean? Was I going to die? Was I going to Hell when I did? I would sweat buckets in the middle of February in NYC when the temps rarely got above 25 degrees. Using the bathroom in the middle of the night in the dark was an impossibility for me now. There was no way I was going to make the trek to the bathroom way over at the other end of the apartment ever again, Ragan was waiting for me under my bed and as soon as I set a foot down on my floor she would have me dead to rights and drag me back to hell with her. This wasn't gonna happen so I learned to hold my urine till sunrise when my dad got up to go to work and the sun was making it's debut. Some nights my bladder felt as if it was going to burst but it didn't matter, Ragan wasn't going to get me.

Directed by William Friedkin (The man in the picture above) from a book by William Peter Blatty, "The Exorcist" became a sensation shattering box office records around the world. This was wonderful news for Mr. Friedkin and company but lousy news for me because it meant i couldn't get away from the film no matter how hard I ran. It was all anyone ever spoke about. It was featured on magazine covers everywhere I looked. On television and on the radio were the relentless ad's that trumpeted what was being called the "Scariest movie ever". Linda Blair became a staple of all the talk shows and she seemed so nice, so innocent and wholesome..

 .

But I knew she wasn't. She was Satan's whore and this was all a plan to make all of us thralls to the big red guy with the pointed tail. I knew this. Why didn't anyone else? My nights were filled with dread as I knew she'd be waiting for me whenever I managed to fall asleep. And she was waiting for me when I'd wake up crying in the middle of the night. She wanted me to die and I daresay there were more than a few nights when I couldn't sleep at all and I too wanted nothing more than to die and hope that she wouldn't be waiting for me when I did. I was constantly tired as the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months and the months into years and the years...decades, yet the dreams still plagued me. Although they slowed down over the years they've never really left me alone. Ragan still appears at the foot of my bed a few times a year. She still pops into my dreams as well. She always looks the same, she never ages. And her message never gets any nicer either, she still wants me to join her. She has plans for me.

To this day I will not let this film into my home in any way, shape or form. I cringe at the sight of Blair in full makeup (It was really hard for me to pull pics for this rant). My daughters have seen the film at a friend's house and thought it was hilarious. They mock me over my fear of it, they call it "Irrational". They might be right but if I haven't gotten over it by now, nearly 40 years later? Then I never will.

I take my eleven year old son to the movies quite often. We laugh & cry & scream when we're supposed to at whatever film we're watching. I will never do to him what my dad did to me. I will never force him to watch something that might affect him the way "The Exorcist" affected me. I'd rather pluck my eyes out than see my son suffer as I have over the decades because of a film. I'd rather Ragan shuffled me off to whatever she has planned for me than do that to him.

A friend of mine (Who shall go by the initials JWA) knows of my severely debilitating fear of "The Exorcist". He suggested I scrawl these words down although I cannot fathom why. Maybe he thought by unburdening myself through this blog I might get over this fear I have. If so, his intentions were good ones and I thank him for even caring enough to try to help me. Everyone else just laughs at me when I tell them of this fear I have. I don't bother trying to find out what scares any of them though, I really don't care. All I know is that I'm just as scared now of "The Exorcist" as I've always been and it's gonna remain that way until my dying day. I'm not a particularly large or strong man but I'm not exactly a 98 pound weakling either. I can handle myself (& have) quite nicely but the thought of my having to live with this fear of a few goddamned reels of film for the rest of my life makes me feel like no more than a milquetoast.

And as long as I know Ragan is out there with her head spinning, vagina violating, curse spewing, vile ass waiting for me in my dreams....?

A milquetoast I shall remain.

Try to have a good night tonight. I know I won't.

"Colossus: The Forbin Project" AKA don't mess with my phone line or else...

"THERE IS ANOTHER SYSTEM". Those are the four words that get the ball rolling in director Joseph Sargent's forgotten but now extremely prescient 1970 feature "Colossus: The Forbin Project". Eric Braeden plays Dr. Charles Forbin who as the film begins is activating what will be the greatest computer ever designed by man, codenamed COLOSSUS. Afterwards he is ushered into the white house where the President (He has no name in the film. Just "President") announces to the world that COLOSSUS is now running and in total control of America's nuclear payload. Stating that the machine isn't affected by emotion of any sort that might cloud a human's judgement, the President proclaims that his new toy will also monitor all other nuclear warheads worldwide and be able to intercept a warhead fired at the US using "Whatever means it deems necessary". It's all peaches and cream for the POTUS & Forbin as they celebrate the activation of their system until COLOSSUS suddenly sends a message comprised of the first four words of this paragraph.

The "OTHER SYSTEM" is located in Russia (Of course) and is codenamed "GUARDIAN". And wouldn't you know it, GUARDIAN has pretty much the same function as our buddy COLOSSUS does. Only real difference is that while the U.S. let the world know what it was up to immediately after it activated it's super computer, the Russians didn't. As the U.S. and U.S.S.R. get down to brass tacks regarding each other's systems, COLOSSUS decides that it wants to communicate with GUARDIAN. After a bit of head scratching as to why such a request would be made from a machine, Forbin & crew (Along with their Russian counterparts) decide to open a line of communication between the two machines believing that nothing will come from it. But soon after COLOSSUS begins to "Speak" to his new found pen pal, GUARDIAN begins to respond. After awhile both the U.S. & U.S.S.R. decide that there might be some classified information being transmitted between the two machines and shut down the line of communication they were using. And this just pisses the machines off to no end....

Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

Uh oh....

Colossus/Guardian demand that the line be restored or there's gonna be trouble and both govt's call their bluff, after all they're just machines and machines can only do what we allow them to do...right? Wrong. Both machines launch nukes at the same time and both the U.S. & U.S.S.R. frantically try to get the line back up before the missiles detonate. While we are successful (Prompting Colossus to detonate the nuke en route), the Russians aren't and 6000 people die in the resulting explosion. Now Forbin, the U.S. & U.S.S.R. know that their creations aren't playing games. From this point on Colossus/Guardian (The two have decided to become as one with Colossus acting as their representative) plan to take over and teach mankind a thing or two about running a planet and all we have to do is just listen to their every demand. By order of the new couple, key personnel are assassinated in order to eliminate the few people on Earth who know what makes the machines tick although Forbin is spared because they need at least one person around who really understands them. Even machines need someone to talk to every once in a while.

Who needs Chuck Heston when you've got Braeden?

Did I say "Talk"? Oh yeah...Colossus has a "Voice" built for him so that he can communicate with not only Forbin, but the world. It seems that he's getting accustomed to this whole "Subjugate the population" thing and he's feeling his oats big time now. But Forbin has a plan and if he can pull it off, then Colossus won't know what hit him. Unfortunately Forbin (And the globe) come to realize that they can't pull one over on Colossus...not yet anyways.

The questions this film raise lend credence to the phrase "Be careful of what you ask for. You just might get it". In it's attempt to become a nation with a supposedly fail safe defense system run not by man but by machine, the U.S. finds that it has overreached it's boundaries and designed Colossus far too well. It also discovers that it wasn't even the first nation on Earth to create such a juggernaut and it's crowing to the world about it's superiority over them is all for naught. The Russians were there first much like Sputnik was the first man made vessel in space. Echoes of the cold war are rife throughout the film as both nations (The Russians especially) are outwardly civil to each other but question each other's motives at the same time. Actor Eric Braeden was an interesting choice to play Forbin since the role seems custom made for someone like Charleton Heston (Heston was indeed considered for the role but the producers opted for an unknown face instead). Braeden plays the role with a slight air of superiority about him, his face slips a sense of disdain to those around him every so often. This is especially evident in a scene during which the president (Gordon Pinsent) is trying to hold a meeting to decide how to proceed and Forbin continually tries to interrupt him. In another scene, Forbin interrupts the president as he's trying to communicate with Colossus stating that "Colossus deals with the precise meaning of words, and one must know precisely what to ask for". What that basically says is that Forbin doesn't think the boss is smart enough to speak with Colossus and sure enough, the president concedes his position of power to Forbin wordlessly, by backing off. Braeden has a Teutonic air of supremacy all about him and it works for this role. His haughtiness is counterbalanced later in the film when he breaks down in tears at the murder of some of his associates, or is he crying at the realization that he is helpless against what he created?

One heck of a calculator maybe?

Must stay on the yellow line...

Later in the film Colossus orders all commercial & radio transmissions to be tied into his communication systems so that he can announce his "Intentions for the future of mankind" which leads to Colossus making the following proclamation to the world: "This is the voice of world control. I bring you peace. It may be the peace of plenty and content or the peace of unburied death". Colossus not only has total control over Forbin (He even has a daily schedule for Forbin to follow) and the U.S. but the entire Earth is now under his thrall and this final scene is a sort of "Coming out" announcement to everyone who might think differently. He also says that "The object in constructing me was to prevent war. This object is attained. I will not permit war. It is wasteful and pointless". Truthfully it's kinda hard to argue with the logic Colossus is using, war is pointless and a waste of both resource & life. The problem is the means by which Colossus is preventing war. I mean complete and utter subjugation of  humanity is bit over the top isn't it? Especially when we're being subjugated by something we created.

Same film. Slightly different title.

There have been other examples of computers gone amok throughout film history. The most obvious one being HAL-9000 of "2001: A Space Odyssey" (1968) fame. Others that come to mind are Proteus from Donald Cammell's  "Demon Seed" (1977) and WOPR from John Badham's "WarGames"(1983). But HAL was basically neurotic and while Proteus had delusions of grandeur it hadda get it's rocks off first. WOPR thought along the same lines as Colossus but didn't have lofty aspirations, it just decided that war was "A strange game. The only way to win is not to play" and moved on to chess. Colossus is different because once it decides that mankind is flawed it takes decisive action to rectify that situation. And it sees no better way to do that than to just take over and do the job better than his creator(s) have. It's telling that as the film proceeds, Forbin becomes more emotional and indeed a bit more human. When Colossus proclaims that the two of them will "Work together. Unwillingly at first on your part, but that will pass" Forbin's response is "NEVER!" and he even cries out "You Bastard!" at the end of the film in a bold display of emotion from a character who as the film concludes has seemingly found what was left of his humanity. Sadly that discovery came with a price and Forbin has no idea as to how he can pay it.

You'll notice that the two poster images I've included (On top/bottom) have slightly different titles. One is "Colossus: The Forbin Project" and the other is just "The Forbin Project" sans "Colossus". The film was a failure on it's initial release and the thinking went that maybe the print campaign was all wrong. The original poster art made the film look more like a by the numbers cold war thriller with no clue as to the menacing mega maniacal computer at the center of it. A new print campaign was designed which gave the poster more of a hip look to it and placed emphasis on the phrase "This is the dawning of the age of Colossus" which was present in the original art but not as pronounced. Perhaps to take advantage of the previous year's number one worldwide single "Age Of Aquarius: Let The Sunshine In" by The Fifth Dimension which was still on the minds of audiences worldwide but this tactic failed as well. The film quietly disappeared and soon appeared on TV screens where it's reputation has slowly grown over the years. Why did it fail when other sci-fi films released during the same era like "Beneath The Planet Of The Apes", "The Omega Man", "Soylent Green" & "Silent Running" succeed? Easy question to answer! Three of the four films I just mentioned starred...Charlton Heston! As fine a job as Braeden does here, he ain't no Chuck Heston who (at the time) had associated himself with sci-fi films and found great success with them. I think the other reason is that "Colossus..." was a decidedly low budget film with no real hook for audiences to grab onto. It didn't have enough going for it essentially. It's not a big, flashy movie & it looks especially dated now although it's no less potent. But try giving it a spin tonight and you just might find yourself looking at your iPhone or PS3 a bit differently. Yesterday's announcement of the Xbox One (With it's promised ability to "Control Your Living Room") reminded me of this film and of a well known phrase that I don't think enough of us listen to nowadays: "Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it". 

MANIAC (2012) AKA Somewhere Joe Spinell is smiling...

Poster art for the remake

Of all the 80's films slated to be remade the very last one I expected to see was William Lustig's classic 1980 sleazefest "MANIAC". Exactly why this movie got the nod to be remade is something I'll never divine but it's done & in the can for all the world to see. But in this day and age can any filmmaker remake this film & do justice to the original? Director Franck Khalfoun (P2) took on the challenge working with a script co-written by Alexandre Aja. And much to my surprise they made a pretty good little movie...

For those of you who haven't seen it yet (I know there's a couple of you out there), "MANIAC" tells the story of Frank Zito, a photographer with some serious mommy issues. His nightime activities consist of hunting women down & scalping them. He places these scalps on the heads of mannequins that he keeps in his filthy apartment. The mannequins are his friends and he speaks, sleeps & possibly has some form of sex with them (It's alluded to but never shown onscreen). And despite the fact that his mother abused him & sold her body for cash he really misses her (She died in a car accident years earlier). Joe Spinell plays Frank with a bit of pathos and a whole bunch of sweat. His perpetually sweaty face & greasy, stringy hair obscures the loneliness in his heart but it accentuates the menace in his soul. He's a bit over the top perhaps but thanks to his appearance he's nigh perfect in the role. He was born to play the part.

The unforgettable Joe Spinell

Don't call me Frodo...

While the remake hems fairly close to the original, it does make a radical change in casting the role of Frank. Instead of someone who actually looks like he's capable of committing such atrocities like Spinell here we get everyone's favorite hobbit...Elijah Wood! Initially I was aghast at this bit of casting, I mean does anyone think that the man who's best known for playing Frodo in the LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy can be sufficiently maniacal?

But then I remembered his performance in "SIN CITY" (2005). He played Kevin, an especially limber psychopath who collected heads. And he was really good too! So my fears were somewhat allayed but even so, why attempt to remake "MANIAC" if you aren't gonna be able to really pour the grue on it? The original was rated R but this was back in 1980 & censors weren't as tough on nasty little movies like this one as they are now. Is the remake as gory as Lustig's original?

Happily (For me anyway) the answer is YES! Khalfoun doesn't shy away from the red stuff & if anything this film might be a bit gorier than the original. And thanks to the good folks at KNB it looks a lot more realistic as well. It's an extremely nasty bit of film making that doesn't mind pushing the envelope.

Excedrin isn't gonna help this headache.

But is it any good? I'm not trying to imply that the original was an Oscar winner but it is beloved by fans of horror films & it holds a special place in my heart. The first thing that you'll realize when you see this version is that it's shot almost entirely in first person, which is to say that nearly the entire film is seen through the eyes of Frank. At first this is quite off putting but I got used to it once I realized it was going to remain that way. It definitely puts a different spin on the proceedings and I appreciate the effort to try & differentiate itself from the original film.

Poster art for the original film

But once again...is it any good? I can safely say that we have a winner here! The decision to film in the first person works because it keeps Wood's babyface off the screen for most of the film. It would be a completely different movie if we saw his saintly visage as he goes about scalping women & being an all around maniac. His soft voice gives the character a bit of innocence which makes it more believable when he lures women to their doom. The biggest problem I had with the original was the way that the beautiful Anna (Caroline Munro) happily accepted Frank's offer to take her out to dinner, and then continue to see him afterwards! I'm sorry but there is no way that a woman that gorgeous would ever go out with someone that looked like Frank Zito unless she was being paid to do it. And it would've cost a lot of money too! At the very least, Wood is a whole lot easier on the eyes & the way he attracts women is far more believable here than in the original film. Whenever Frank is sexually attracted to a woman he starts to get punishing headaches which are accentuated by the frame becoming blurry around the edges & a high pitched screech. He begins to hallucinate & obsessively wash his hands till they bleed. He feels his
mother disapproves & the only way he can satiate himself is to murder
his victims & procure their scalps to place on mannequins heads that he
keeps at home, the pain stops once the deed is done. Wood plays the
role with just the right amount of pathos. He gives a very nuanced &
effective performance here.

She should've accepted his proposal...

The film has a smooth look to it as well. Initially I thought this was a mistake but with Wood in the lead role it feels just right. He's nowhere near as grotty looking as Spinell & the glossy look of the proceedings reflect that. The SFX are of the first order & really help sell the sheer horror of it all. Scalps are peeled away with reckless abandon & they really looks painful!

The first person perspective made me feel like I was there alongside Frank as he slaughters his victims. I didn't expect this & and it made me feel dirty afterwards, almost as if I was scalping the victims. As I said earlier, the script hems fairly close to the original with a slight twist to differentiate it but they kept the ending intact & it's still a doozy! I don't know how they pulled it all off (I suspect a bit of CGI was present) but it's extremely gruesome to watch & Wood's face lingered in my memory afterwards.

No more "Walking Dead" until the fall? NOOOOOO

I wasn't expecting much from this film but it turned out to be quite engrossing if a bit slow. Director Khalfoun knows when to liven up the proceedings just when you feel that it's becoming a bit of a slog to sit through. It feels a bit longer than it actually is but that's not a deal breaker. It's a very good movie that might have been a great movie with a
bit of judicious editing. But if you consider yourself a true horror fan you cannot miss it. It truly delivers the goods & is one of the few homages that actually succeeds in bringing on the pain.

"OOGA BOOGA" or the nadir of Stacy Keach' career...take your pick.

Beyond Django? Yeeah right...

Let it be known that The Black Saint turns his nose up to no film, whether good, bad or really bad. Each & every film I've ever seen is the work of people who generally believed in what they were doing. It may have been for money, maybe it was for fame, most times it was because they had a decent camera, some friends, a free weekend or two & some beer. The bottom line is they've made a movie...I haven't, and I think that's worth recognizing. But sometimes I see a movie that makes me wonder exactly what was the motivating force behind it's creation? What was it about the screenplay that made the producers want to fund it? What was it that attracted the actors enough to want to perform in it? In a nutshell...why was it produced?

"OOGA BOOGA" is that kind of movie.

The story here deals with a young black man, Devin (Wade Forrest Wilson) who's just passed a test that will help him on the way to become a doctor. He comes home to his beautiful girlfriend, Donna (Ciarra Carter) with the good news & as the two of them begin a horizontal mambo he gets an urgent phone call. Who's calling? Why it's his old pal (& host of a kiddie TV show) Hambo! Hambo just got fired for drinking on the job & he calls Devin to tell him what's happened & preview his new line of dolls (Called Badass Dolls) that he plans to market & make a fortune with. I guess I don't have to tell you that they aren't what you'd call "Politically Correct" either.

Hambo gives Devin one of his dolls as a going away gift. He calls it "Ooga Booga" & he's 16" tall with a spear in one hand, a bone thru his nose & a spliff in his mouth. Ooga wears a simple loincloth. Ooga is supposed to be funny. Ooga isn't funny, not one bit.
Ooga pissed me the fuck off.

Anyway, as Devin walks back home with his new doll he stops by a local store & tries to get himself a slurpie. But the machine is on the fritz (Electricity is shooting out of it's spout) & the one clerk is too occupied with a videogame to help Devin get his drink. Meanwhile, three racist armed robbers enter the store & kill the clerk which somehow leads to Devin being shot & killed by the racist cop that arrives on the scene. And all four of them are in the employ of a racist judge (Stacy Keach) who manages the white supremacist drug/prostitution ring they all work for.

Somehow Devin's spirit is transferred into the Ooga Booga doll and he sets about on getting his revenge on the cop that killed him. And poor Donna ends up getting raped in an alley by the the three robbers which only pisses off  Ooga that much more. Together the not so dynamic duo aim to avenge themselves through the use of their cunning & Ooga's spear, with which he likes to pluck his enemies eyes out with. How he manages to get close enough to their eyes to stab them with is more luck than nay particular skill. It's not like he's big enough to beat anybody up.

Bone thru his nose? Really?

But there's more! The one & only Karen Black also makes an appearance here. She plays Mrs. Allardyce, a curmudgeonly old woman who spends her days drinking & watching soap operas. She only has a few extremely long & drawn out scenes though & they don't add anything to the film at all. She's essentially here to bring the film's running length to 90 minutes & to re enact a scene from "He Who Kills" from the (Still Terrifying) "Trilogy Of Terror" (1975). You guys remember that one don't you? That's the one where she's being hunted down by a extremely angry Zuni fetish doll. Ooga Booga looks a lot like that doll's autistic brother. If you haven't figured it out, "Ooga Booga" is no "He Who Kills".

Now THIS is a scary doll!

Written (if you wanna call it that) by Kent Roudebush & directed by the William Castle of the 80's, 90's & beyond, Charles Band, "Ooga Booga" managed to offend me as a lover of crappy films & as a human being at the same time. In a misguided attempt to be funny, both Roudebush & Band  trot out tired cliches & stereotypes that made me wonder exactly what audience they were aiming this film at. Confederate flags decorate the home of the racist thugs (Who resembled the

Three Stooges). Every possible variation on the dreaded "N word" is recited by nearly every white member of the cast. The two black characters are portrayed as naive, horny & incompetent & I've already told you what Ooga Booga looks like.

In one frankly amazing scene, Donna returns home after being brutally raped & gets in the shower while (unknown to her) Ooga is standing in the doorway masturbating loudly. At this point in the film it's already been established that Donna knows that Devin's spirit is inhabiting the doll so why would he do something as crass as jerk off after his girlfriend has just been raped? There's no good reason for this scene other than to portray African American men as uncaring individuals who look at their women as objects for their desire & not as individuals. The name of one of the racist cops is Officer White! Keach refers to blacks as "Jungle Bunnies" when he sees an open window & proclaims that it's an invitation for them to enter & presumably rob his home. Ooga sits around the house getting stoned while Donna goes off to work! Can we say "Black men are lazy?" Chuckie Band just did...

This ain't "Trilogy Of Terror"

I remember when Stacy Keach was an actor of some merit. I remember him starring in some pretty important films. Actually he still appears in major Hollywood films every so often. I cannot fathom why an actor of his caliber would even read this script & decide that he should be a part of it. I'm giving Karen Black a pass since she's been relegated to appearing in low budget genre films for the past few decades but I'm truly befuddled as to why Keach is in this movie. Perhaps a mortgage payment was overdue?
I suppose I can look forward to seeing him in a porno flick in the near future too? I can see it now... "Mike Hammer: Private 16" Dick"!

I know that Band specializes in this kind of crud as of late. It seems like every other film coming from his "Full Moon Grindhouse Collection" features some sort of animated doll or toy that's wreaking havoc. Films with titles like "Puppet Master", "Demonic Toys", "Dollman", "Devil Dolls", "Blood Dolls", "Skull Heads" & "The Gingerdead Man" have all been quite successful for him & have multiple sequels as well ("Puppet Master" in particular). I'm almost positive that we'll see more of "Ooga Booga" in the near future too, I just wonder if Band realizes how completely offensive it is?

I sure hope he does.

Is "The Lords Of Salem" really worth the time to seek out?

Rob Zombie's latest magnum opus "THE LORDS OF SALEM" opened last Friday (April 19th) but in actuality saying it "Opened" is being a mite generous since the geniuses at ANCHOR BAY decided to open it in only 354 theaters nationwide. It grossed about $600,000 in it's first weekend which is about half of it's actual budget & it should be able to recoup that money eventually thanks to foreign sales & it's eventual DVD/Bluray release. But did it get shortchanged theatrically?

It was fairly easy for me to see it since I live in NYC & the film was playing at five different theaters close to me. A lot of genre fans weren't as lucky as I was though, it either didn't open where they were or was so far away from them it wasn't worth the trip. One friend of mine drove 70 miles (Each way!) to see it. I admire him for his pluckiness but that's a long trip for most (If not all) genre fans, especially if they aren't sure of the film's quality.

I was the lone film lover in the audience last Friday afternoon. Normally I love being at a movie with little to no people in the audience since it means there won't be any glowing cell phones or crying children to bother me but it worked against me this time since "THE LORDS OF SALEM" is an especially unnerving film and it's end sequence takes place in a theater. I was in some serious doo doo sitting there all by myself.
                                                                                                                                 
                                                     

Satan? Or a midget calling himself Satan?

 "THE LORDS OF SALEM" stars Sheri Moon Zombie (Rob's muse) as Heidi Hawthorne, a local radio disc jockey who is part of a late night radio show along with two co-hosts, "Whitey" Salvador (Jeffrey Daniel Phillips) & Herman Jackson (Ken Foree). Apparently there is some romantic history between Heidi & Whitey which is constantly alluded to but it doesn't become too much of a hindrance to the main storyline. Heidi is also a recovering crack addict who regularly attends "AA" like meetings although she still enjoys swilling alcohol seemingly every chance she gets. One day she receives a ornate wooden box containing an L.P. in it. The only words on it are "The Lords" so she believes it's from a band with that name. She plays the record when she gets home and the strange dirge like music puts her (& other assorted women) in a trance of sorts. Bruce Davidson plays Francis Matthias, a author who is promoting his latest book on the Salem witch trials. He takes an interest in Heidi & the music on the L.P. as well. And unbeknownst to him, his interest in both Heidi & the music puts him in danger.

Three nasty neighbors

Living in an apartment below Heidi's are two sisters, Lacy (Judy Geeson) & Sunny (Dee Wallace) who are being visited by a third sister, Megan (Patricia Quinn). Of course they aren't exactly what they appear to be & they have a vested interest in Heidi. There's also an empty apartment on the same floor as Heidi's that isn't as empty as she thinks it is. Long story short, Heidi should have never played that record...

I don't want to divulge much more of the plot, no spoilers to be found here. Suffice it to say that Zombie has crafted an extremely disturbing (If not quite scary) motion picture. What "THE LORDS OF SALEM" does very well is create a feeling of dread as soon as it starts & it builds on that feeling as it continues, making the audience (Me) feeling extremely nervous throughout it's running time. I actually felt the dread coming off the screen & I would imagine that's the effect Rob was going for. For me it had the same kind of vibe that Polanski's "ROSEMARY'S BABY"(1968) had, the feeling that nothing good was going to happen to the main character. The feeling that she was doomed form the get go. Isn't it odd that in both of these films the leads were women?

Additionally Zombie seems to be a big fan of Stanley Kubrick, especially Kubrick's "THE SHINING" (1980). The second half of the film is so reminiscent of Kubrick's lone excursion into horror that if Zombie claims otherwise he's lying. Not that there's anything wrong with that though, his camera snakes along hallways & behind characters like a king cobra silently closing in on it's prey. The set design also adds immensely to the overall creepiness of the goings on. Most of the film is dark & moody which just emphasizes the dread that much more effectively. And as good everyone is here, special kudos must go to actress Meg Foster who plays Margaret Morgan, the leader of the witch clan (Who we see in flashbacks that relate to the rest of the film). Her performance is by far the bravest and most unnerving one in the film. She is completely unrecognizable in the role, so unrecognizable that I mistook her for character actor Brad Dourif! Additionally, she's nude in nearly all of her scenes which (While brave) is extremely distressing since she's made up to be filthy & unkempt. She's wearing dark contacts as well so her famously mesmerizing blue eyes are nowhere to be seen.

Is that really you Meg Foster?

Like I said earlier, I didn't find "THE LORDS OF SALEM" to be especially scary. I've been at this for a long time & I'm very hard to scare nowadays but it did succeed at unnerving me intensely. Maybe this was because I was alone in the audience, maybe not. But it really has a "Everyone is doomed" groove to it & I left the theater feeling especially nervous. It's important to note that because I've been accused of being jaded by others in the past. I've eliminated these yokels by the way, no one can call The Black Saint "Jaded" & expect to be on this mortal plane much longer afterwards. Any film that can unnerve me deserves my praise nowadays. What Zombie has created here is a nightmarish fever dream filled with extremely distressing images that work their way into your psyche & dig themselves a cozy little hole there. There's no way that you'll walk away from this movie without some of it staying in your head for awhile, and I think it's safe to say that that's the effect Zombie was going after.

But is it worth the time to find? I realize that Tom Cruise's latest blockbuster "OBLIVION" opened on the same day & perhaps the cowards at Anchor Bay thought that their film would be washed away in it's wake. To that I ask if they know the words "Counter Programming"? "THE LORDS OF SALEM" was made for a select audience, the type of audience that has no interest in Tom Cruise or any film that he's a part of. It's a sad state of affairs when a film aimed at the horror audience is hidden away from their view because of a bigger (& not necessarily better) movie opening the same day. I saw "OBLIVION" last week as well & it was a total turkey! Beautiful to look at but a complete & utter bore to sit through. You can read my review for it here: http://horrornews.net/70597/film-review-oblivion-2013/

Do you remember Tim Burton's "BATMAN"(1989)? More importantly, do you remember the film that opened against it? It was "HONEY, I SHRUNK THE KIDS"(1989) which was aimed at a completely different audience & was a big hit. The same principal applies here and Anchor Bay has done the fans of horror a complete disservice by haphazardly tossing "THE LORDS OF SALEM" out like a handful of breadcrumbs to a few hungry pigeons. It'll turn a profit eventually since it was so cheap to make ($1.5 million) but it's a film that deserves to be seen on a big screen with a big audience. At the very least it deserved a chance to find it's audience but most of us will have to wait until it arrives on home video to see it and no matter what anyone says...it was made to be seen on a big screen.

It's the best horror film I've seen so far this year & that's despite the fact that it didn't scare me! It did better than scare me, it made me nervous.

And that dear acolytes, is something that's very hard to do.

Stay away from the light.....